Tie me down.

Where the fuck are you?


I've decided that I'm done chasing. and when someone truely cares, and gives a fuck. they'll come to me.
Isnt that how its supposed to work?

Oh boy.
Where the fuck are you?

After I got out of the hospital, I was sent to a place called Hampstead, to get my act and life together.
I learned alot there, and each day got a little easier.

I just dont see myself getting better, I mean. I am a little better, but not totally. Bill told me he doesn't see himself quitting drugs anytime soon, and I'm thinking what the hell? When can I find someone half  decent?
Why? Why do they always have to be drug addicts? Can't I find someone half decent?
No. No apparently I cant.

I wish I had Scotts number. He always makes me feel good about myself. He always makes me feel beautiful. Usually Bill does too,  but hes acting like caleb right now.
And I hate that stupid son of a bitch. I dont want anything to do with him.
I'm over it, really.

Dear Caleb,

I hope every nigt you fall asleep crying. I hope that every woman you touch, you'll hurt and realize it isn't me. I hope that your drugs get you so high, that when you come crashing down you'll feel my pain. I hope those drugs and women were worth it. I hope theyget you so fucking high. And all I did was trying to be there for you. Because you left me feeling destroyed and broken. You broke me so bad, I spent the past year feeling you, holding hyou as you cry and break down. I really do truely love you. You really are everything to me. But I know I deserve better and I deserve to be treated with dignity. But you made me feel, even though all you did was lie and cause pain. Your everything to me, and I call and call. And you never answer, and all I pray for is your voice, and all you do is push me away. I hope that every breath you take is a struggle, and I hope that the next girl you get breaks your heart, and the feeling becomes numb.

I hope that every morning you wake up and realize I'm not laying next to you. I need you to love me, I need to here your love and support.

Why would you leave me here?
Why would you leave me in this restrained hate?

Welcome!

So heres the fucking run down. Excuse my langauge, I have worse laungage then a trucker and a sailor's mouth put together.

I have my own journal at home, but I'm at a hospital, and Child Life Services gave me a labtop to waste my time. So much thanks to LiveJournal and the fucking hospital. My tv's broken, im alone and  I'm on suicide watch. I was submitted here last wednesday, and ive been here since. God, somewhere in me I need to find some humor in this. Do you know what its like to be watched on every hour of every day?

Its pretty halarious. If I were you, I would invest some time in it. I'm not crazy, I sware i'm not. But, there are things that happened since i was a child and, maybe it all got added up and then i swallowed 50 pils? I dont know. But I'm not naive, I need some fucking help. Because Frankly, if I don't, I'm obviously going to die. When I was submitted they gave me this medicine, and guess what happens? I'm allergic to it.. So I spent the next 48 hours, halluncinating, and ripping my ivy out. Oh, and the allgeric reaction gave me amnesia. Is that what its called? Oh who the fuck knows. All I know is that I dont remember a god damn thing, But apparently it was really bad.

You know what its like when  one thing keeps building up on another, and then they all add to this one huge fucking depression. Well ive been suffering from depression since i was seven. And I was dating this guy named Caleb, for about a year. About a month ago, he dumped me. So that was the cherry on my fucking ice cream sundae. No I'm not some crazy bitch trying to kill myself because my boyfriend dumped me, i think thats absolutley ridiculous. Because I have attemped in the past, so that would make no sense that i would do that. I'm trying to stay positive. Really, I am. I know I'll find someone who will love me. Its just, when you invest your last peice of sanity to someone and they just throw it away? I guess you can say that the shit hits the fan. And i can't get the memories out of my head. They swarm like mosquitos. Any adivce?

I still wanna die, I wanna die because i'm alone. and it  looks as though I'll be dieing alone too.